The Asshole Lottery

1.

"In theory, you'd be a great person to spend the rest of my life with. But, in reality,  I'd never marry you. Even if I got you pregnant, I'd still marry someone else."

2.

"I'm gonna be honest: I have a girlfriend, so the reason I can't see you this weekend is because she's visiting. I'm not looking for a new girlfriend, and I really don't want to lose her.  But if you're not interested in making me a boyfriend, maybe we could still see each other?"

3.

"We'd never work together; I want a girl with 0% body fat who knows a lot about and drinks beer,  is a bad ass climber and musician, and is already in my friend group."

4.

"I want to sleep with you so badly . . . I have to warn you though: I'm tired and will want to get it over with quickly."

5.

"Yeah, I know we just slept together for the first time, and I stayed overnight at your house on Friday. But you staying here is getting too close too soon, and I won't sleep well with you in my bed. I hope you don't mind driving home from Gunbarrel in the middle of the night with dry contacts you can barely see out of . . . "

6.

"If it makes you feel any better, I cared about the girl after you even less than I care about you."

7.

 "I saw a cute little squirrel gathering nuts and it made me think of how I want to be cuddled under a blanket with you drinking wine and watching X-Men."

8.

"You're not Asian, so you're only medium hot."


9.

"Want to see a picture of my two year old daughter? Yeah, I know I'm only twenty. What are you doing next weekend?"


10.

"Okay I guess I should have told you I had a wife. It must have been pretty weird for you when she tracked my cell phone calls and then called you a bunch demanding to know if I was cheating on her with you. Sorry about that . . ."



Congratulations to myself: I won the asshole lottery!